Memories of haven

A moment so beautiful you will never forget
A word so compassionate forms a loving silhouette
A touch filled with passion and desire
Captures the love amongst indousable fires

A promise so true, I cannot imagine
From no one else but next in kin
You have but yet proven me wrong
Your promises ever so true and strong

In that moment of promised eternity
I can't help but feel a sense of serenity
Through the words of warmth and comfort
Enveloping my being, protecting from hurt

Yet here I am, alone and battered
By the jaws of time, all faith shattered
Unable to comprehend the loss of security
When I always believed we were meant to be

Trust gone awry, love gone astray
How did it reach a point of dismay
With the memories of haven all away
And no one but myself to face the day...

Speak to me..

I love how sometimes certain songs with their lyrics and music just speak to you... They grab the very essence of the moment you're in, and somehow always come into your life at the right time which is predominantly a moment of despair or loss. Only question is whether they actually help you and make you stronger or remind you of that very situation you are in..

One day

You make me stronger
You make me happy
You hold my hand
Through all thats crappy.
You make me smile
You make me laugh
You're by my side
When things get rough.
You showed me life
You loved me for me
One day I hope
Like you, I will be...

Stay..

Funny you're the broken one but I'm the one that needs saving....

D day

The day you realize you will never be wanted. By anyone.
Thats the day....the day your life begins.

Is it?

Something tells me.. This is it.. The end.

The inevitable jealousy..

No matter how many times you tell yourself " This will not affect me" or " I do not care" , I think the very act of saying those things means it does affect you and you do care. And that is not bad. How can it be bad to feel you are important to someone or just that you are someone that matters the world to them. When that does not happen, with you, but maybe with someone else(especially right in front of you), you can't help but feel jealous. That can't be wrong. Can it?  Of course not, because "I do not care".... yeah... Right!

Staying strong

Things pull you down. They bum you out and make you want to give up. But when people who hurt you don't realize it themselves, there is no reason you need to waste emotions of care, concern, love or affection. Don't waste your time on telling them about your life when they clearly have no interest in it. Until you and them realize excuses will always be just words and never actions.. You will be stuck on a hurtful loop of pain and hatred.. You need to stay strong through all that. Otherwise you are no better than them.. You are at their mercy..

Barely Breathing..

I know what you're doing

I see it all too clear

I only taste the saline

When I kiss away your tears

You really had me going

Wishing on a star

The black holes that surround you

Are heavier by far

I believed in your confusion

So completely torn

Must have been that yesterday

Was the day that I was born

There's not much to examine

There's nothing left to hide

You really can't be serious

If you have to ask me why

I say goodbye

'Cause I am barely breathing

And I can't find the air

Don't know who I'm kidding

Imagining you care

And I could stand here waiting

A fool for another day

I don't suppose it's worth the price

It's worth the price, the price

That I would pay, yeah yeah, yeah

Everyone keeps asking

What's it all about?

I used to be so certain

Now I can't figure out

What is this attraction?

I only feel the pain

There's nothing left to reason

And only you to blame

Will it ever change?

'Cause I am barely breathing

And I can't find the air

Don't know who I'm kidding

Imagining you care

And I could stand here waiting

A fool for another day

I don't suppose it's worth the price

It's worth the price, the price

That I would pay, yeah yeah, yeah

But I'm thinking it over anyway

I'm thinking it over anyway

I've come to find

I may never know

Your changing mind

Is it friend or foe?

I rise above or sink below

With every time

You come and go

Please don't come and go

'Cause I am barely breathing

And I can't find the air

Don't know who I'm kidding

Imagining you care

And I could stand here waiting

A fool for another day

But I don't suppose it's worth the price

It's worth the price, the price

That I would pay, yeah yeah, yeah

But I'm thinking it over anyway

I'm thinking it over anyway

Well, I know what you're doing

I see it all too clear

Angels

Being there for someone is never easy. You always need to know the right thing to say or the right thing to do in order to cause minimim damage to whats already been caused. Yet there are those that always know the right way to make you smile and believe. They'd even do so on account of personal loss... just to see you smile. There's never a way, or atleast a worthy way to thank such angels except hope they believe in your faith in them. Faith. May not seem like much, but in this world, in this age, faith in the kindness and humanity of our community is what keeps us alive. Faith that our lives aren't doomed for the worse after all. Those angels will emerge from within, to remind us of those good times, to enable our happy thoughts, to ease our sorry woes and shove our morose assumptions. Having said that, With no intention do I mean angels from within ourselves but I certainly do not banish the thought that all of us can be angels.. to someone who needs to believe..

To my angel.. Thank you. :)

The answer you seek..

Living confused and blurred,

How do I find the answer you seek,

To the question we all fear,

To the emotion that makes us weak.

You hold my hand with such promise,

And render so much amour,

That I can't help but wonder,

Isn't what we have so pure.

And yet you pose a noxious query,

In fear of yet another loss,
The pain I see through your smile,

When your life is in chaos.

I ask myself, Do I let you be?

Or do I try to reassure you,

Of my constant presence and fidelity,

How do I tell you,

That I'm here for you, to stay,

Without scaring you away.

That I'm here for you, to find,

All that you've lost and sacrificed.

That I'm here for you, no matter what,

If trust in eternity is what you covet.

How do I find the answer you seek,

To a love so strong and passionate,

To a question of fear and dismay,

For all I can say is I'll wait...

Cold as you...

"Cold As You" - Taylor Swift.

You have a way of coming easily to me
And when you take, you take the very best of me
So I start a fight cause I need to feel something
And you do what you want cause I'm not what you wanted

Oh what a shame, what a rainy ending given to a perfect day
Just walk away,
no use defending words that you will never say
And now that I'm sitting here thinking it through
I've never been anywhere as cold as you.

You put up walls and paint them all a shade of gray
And I stood there loving you and wished them all away
And you come away with a great little story
Of a mess of a dreamer with the nerve to adore you

Oh what a shame,
what a rainy ending given to a perfect day
Just walk away,
No use defending words that you will never say
And now that I'm sitting here thinking it through
I've never been anywhere cold as you

You never did give a damn thing honey
but I cried, cried for you
And I know you wouldn't have told nobody if I died, died for you(Died for you)

Oh what a shame, what a rainy ending given to a perfect day
Every smile you fake is so condescending
Counting all the scars you made
And now that I'm sitting here thinking it through
I've never been anywhere cold as you

End. Just end.Please.

Go the Distance...

I have often dreamed, of a far off place 
Where a hero's welcome, would be waiting for me 
Where the crowds will cheer, when they see my face 
And a voice keeps saying, this is where I'm meant to be 

I'll be there someday, I can go the distance 
I will find my way, if I can be strong 
I know ev'ry mile, will be worth my while 
When I go the distance, I'll be right where I belong 

Down an unknown road, to embrace my fate 
Though that road may wander, it will lead me to you 
And a thousand years, would be worth the wait 
It might take a lifetime, but somehow I'll see it through 

And I won't look back, I can go the distance 
And I'll stay on track, no, I won't accept defeat 
It's an uphill slope, but I won't lose hope 
Till I go the distance, and my journey is complete 

But to look beyond the glory is the hardest part 
For a hero's strength is measured by his heart 

Like a shooting star, I will go the distance 
I will search the world, I will face it's harms 
I don't care how far, i can go the distance 
Till I find my hero's welcome, waiting in your arms 

I will search the world, I will face it's harms 
Till I find my hero's welcome, waiting in your arms

Michael Bolton- Go the distance

Forever and Always

I look into your eyes,

With a soft honeyed glaze,

Through the darkness that lies,

I see through the haze,

A murkiness of pain,

A sadness remains,

But I look into your eyes,

And say 'I'll keep you sane'.

I hold your hands,

With a gentle concern,

Feeling every indurate callous,

To understand the burn,

To comprehend every turn,

While I learn the reasons,

For I hold your hands,

With every day and every season.

I believe in your soul.

The kindness and gentleness of you,

With every passing moment,

My belief in you, grew. 

And one day, you will be strong,

Crushing every plateau in sight,

Never just another string-along,

Because I believe in your ways,

Forever and always.

A chapter never finished....

                    A book is never over until you feel the emotions of content or a feeling of wonderment over the characters and their actions. When you try to make sense of all their decisions that led them to the very end of that chapter, to the very end of their purpose in your life. Almost everyday is new page in our book of life. But sometimes there are so many recurring characters that you never want to "kill off" and some that make you wonder 'why did I ever introduce them?'. And then there are those. Those that keep recurring but never stay. Those, in who, you have no say of their purpose in your life. Those, that will put in that twist in your story, the curve ball. Personally I think the story becomes worth it with their presence. The person who you wait to read about again in the book even if they come for just a single paragraph. The person that makes our heart skip a beat and makes us think " Oh I hope they are part of the happy ending".  The person who breaks our heart and wins over us with a simple gesture of kindness and love. The person that makes it all worth-while. The person that could make us feel every emotion and yet calm our sense of self into realms of serenity. The person who you wish was in your life forever and always. 

               There is always someone, that one recurring character, that you know will change your life forever. If only we knew their purpose in our life, their sense as a character. Until then, they will always remain the chapter never finished....

                                                          "All We Are"- One Republic

I tried to paint you a picture, the colors were all wrong
Black and white didn't fit you and all along,
You were shaded with patience, your strokes of everything
That I need just to make it, and I believe that...
Time can tear you apart
But it won't break anything that you are, you are


We won't say our goodbyes you know it's better that way
We won't break, we won't die
It's just a moment of change
All we are, all we are, is everything that's right
All we need, all we need, a lover's alibi


I walked a minute in your shoes, they never would've fit
I figured there's nothing to lose,
I need to get some perspective on these words before I write them down
You're an island and my ship has run aground
Lord knows I'll fail you time and again,
But you and me we're alright


We won't say our goodbyes you know its better that way
We won't break, we won't die
It's just a moment of change
All we are, all we are, is everything that's right
All we need all we need, a lover's alibi


Every single day that I can breathe, you change my philosophy
I'm never gonna let you pass me by
So don't say your goodbyes you know its better that way
We won't break, we won't die
It's just a moment of change [x2]


All we are, all we are, is everything that's right
All we need, all we need, a lover's alibi


So don't say our goodbyes you know its better
We won't break, we won't die

Some things never change...

Six years ago, some time in the month of May, I was lost and confused. Forced to contemplate a future I could have or a life I wasn't yet ready to give up. I had plonked myself on my window seat, hit the 'Play' button on my then working Cassette-Stereo Player to the listen to the melodies of  "Ab Na Ja" while staring at the endless stream of beach wanderers. I was texting one of my best friends at that point, hoping for some guidance or push towards a particular direction. I was all but 17. I couldn't make that life changing decision alone and yet there I was, staring into the shadows of the night, trying to make sense of a life I didn't know I could have. Analyzing decisions I had made and those I needed to make so that I wouldn't regret them six years from then. I had to choose and choose soon. It was life changing at that point.


Its 2012, I have changed my life with that decision in 2006. And here I am, again, in the month of May, plonked on my window seat, texting that very friend and amazed at the number of beach wanderers today. Confused and lost in search of guidance while contemplating a life so different from what every teenager believed she would lead. Reflecting, musing and regretting so many decisions that brought me to this point. Cherishing, reminiscing and relishing every "life changing" situation I had to face to help me face this one. And God knows this is life changing... at this point :)

Makes you wonder, some things never change....
Blog Idea : Jade.

This is Now..

The Forgotten word leaves in despair,

Strands astray everywhere,

A scene very familiar to the eye,

Initiated by sorts of broken promises or lies.

Ironically, probity isn't desired,

Despite the belligerent "normalities”,

Yet, here we are in a fix,

Fearing the synchronic ticks.

Do we realize the peace within?

Understand life and its own sins?

Ruminate on our every action?

Brood all their reactions?

Aspiration of peace is a start,

It shouldn't remain just a delicious tart,

Faulty on account of meandering thought,

Where paths of confrontation, are increasingly sought.

Thoughts need a change, for some good

Permanent Ataraxis might be a boon,

Figuring out an alacritous approach,

Releasing all the freedom encroached.

A paradigm world is not far-fetched,

A picayune of effort to remove all wretched

A worldly life, green and calm,

Is, after all , a nibble of the soul's alms.

-Nivedita Vathsangam.

WOW..

Peaceful... Calm.. Happy...But nervous and hopeful..After a long time..

21

The child in me awakens... One week to go... 7 days..168 hours..10080 minutes...604800 seconds... You get the drift..=)
Like I was writing, The child in me fulminates with the joy of the day looming close.The child that probably isn't ready for the responsibilties that roll along with the day or the implications of the "maturity"(Oh! the blessed proffers..NOT!). But at this point, most of that is piffling and all I seem to be pondering about is the fact that this would be the last birthday spent admist friends.Now, I've done a lot of contemplating about that very fact.Volleyed between whisking myself home or staying put. The latter won.
Many might ask, "What is wrong with you? Go home!", and to them, all I can say is, "Don't want to".
My first Birthday in college, well technically it wasn't in college,but It was definitely unique birthday. My 18th birthday, the day of zapping importance, was on a train,Rockfort Express I think. My friends and I were returning to college from a refreshing vacation at home [Actually it was the homesick holidays =)]. It was definitely something to remember. But I think more than that extremely "eventful" journey, what followed a week after is what made it special. An urgent message from a friend required me to run, yes run!, run long and fast, across half a corridor (=P)
to a room filled with people I just met and hardly knew... who took the effort to make the day count.Planned and wonderfully orchestrated by two of my close friends then, that one day gave me a lot to hope from this hell-hole of a place.That one day carried me through a lot of hard times. A day that told me "You may not have had the dream birthday, but you have them"

Second year was mix of sorts.In every way possible.From friends, to the academia jump, to a new stage of dramaturgy, even to a new image.It was birthday filled with doubts, tears, fears and what not.. The day started out normal.Adorned with enamoured gifts and clothes and a lot of things that I cherish to-date.But something was missing. Infact, my mother had even baked a chocolate cake embellished with M&Ms and sprinkles and sent it across.Yet it didnt feel consummate.It wasn't until the end of the day when I was blindfolded and dragged to my first place of residence and made to face, not one, but two chocolate cakes and a gathering of everyone who made a difference in my life in the thirteen months I had spent in college, the dinner circle,the drama crew and my best friend,THAT was when the spirit of joy paid a visit, with a familiar brush of the previous year...Although That year didn't imprint a cherished birthday,starting out normal and nominal,It ended awesome..always love surprises.. =).Ooh and the cake was salivatingly yummy!!

My 20th birthday was spent at home.Normally, you'd expect the usual get together of friends, cutting a cake that you were probably bored of, and a waffled conversation to follow. Well that was what I expected.And I was partially accurate.My friends did come over.And there was the waffled conversation.....Then, we took a stroll to the beach( which is a five minute walk from home). What I saw there.. was beyond doubt... a very comely surprise. Another set of friends, were gathered in something of a bonfire circle, with four pizza boxes. as a substitue for a fire. Not that I'm complainin that there was no fire! =). My 20th Birthday.. I cut pizzas! ( I think I blew a candle too ;p). A memory still fresh and still brings a wide smile.. very wide. =)..

And here I am.. about to turn 21... as excited as every other birthday... Yet not able to stomach the fact that fours years are almost done..still pondering about the etched memories... Still mulling the last birthday.My last... with friends,who have come to mean so much to me in the past few years..
So,YES, "Don't want to" has been settled on with a lot rumination and reflection but definitely not ruefully..Never ruefully..
And weirdly it doesn't matter anymore if I've had a fall out with some friend or lost touch over a period of time,the very thought that they are here, close and around, satiates my mind with the peace and belief that no matter where we are or what we do , My 21st will always be remembered... just cause ..I have them.. =)